No Contact

© Bethany Webster 2015

<p>Source: <a href=”http://womboflight.com/2015/10/20/navigating-no-contact-when-estrangement-from-your-mother-is-the-healthiest-choice/”>Navigating “No-Contact”: When Estrangement from Your Mother is the Healthiest Choice</a></p>

I was planning to post my response when Navigating “No-Contact”: When Estrangement from Your Mother is the Healthiest Choice by © Bethany Webster 2015 (http://womboflight.com/2015/10/20/navigating-no-contact-when-estrangement-from-your-mother-is-the-healthiest-choice/) was first posted on October 20, 2015. Today is a good day.

My mother died in 2009. At that time she and I had been estranged for two years. Estrangement from my family wasn’t, as the Ms. Webster suggested, “the hardest thing” I ever did in my entire life. My mother’s actions actually determined the outcome. I thought at the time, “She should know me better than that [she wasn’t trusting my choices]. She raised me!” As she changed the locks on her doors, I told her and my step-dad that I loved them. I never returned.

Now, as I age, I wonder whether it was her age and what came with it that made her and me behave in the ways we did. She died two years after our estrangement, so I’ll never know. I prefer to exonerate myself with the author’s words, that my “mother’s dysfunctional behavior has demanded an enormous cost to your [my] mental/emotional well-being and you’re [I was] simply no longer willing to pay that cost.”

I am now an estranged mother. I didn’t realize that my eldest daughter felt I was toxic to her. I ended the formerly close relationship one Christmas when my daughter yelled at me and when my eldest granddaughter chose not to train my youngest granddaughter in the Christmas chores. Their choices.

I followed my current procedure of considering it was me who was in the wrong, so I apologized to my daughter. She accepted the apology, continued the estrangement, and refused to return an apology. (My thwarted expectation, I suppose.) Perhaps, we are all “deeply wounded.” I take responsibility for my behavior.

As Ms. Webster writes, the estrangements were a long time in the making. And as Shakti Gawain writes, “We don’t have to be perfect with our children….The best gift you can give your children is to be real, authentic….It doesn’t mean you have to burden your children with your problems, but you can share with them your own real experiences…. Share your moments of happiness with them too” (Awakening, 10/27/09). Thanks, mom, for being real with me.

I must keep in mind that this is not personal. I thought I had been dealing with my inner life and I was confronting my disowned pain. Guess not. I am reminded of don Miguel Ruizes four agreements: 1) Be Impeccable With Your Word, 2) Don’t Take Anything Personally, 3) Don’t Make Assumptions, and 4) Always Do Your Best. Maybe I need to work on them.

<a href=”http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=four+agreements&view=detailv2&&id=2CD1F432A1D05309B3318FDD9FF38664C7E2AA1C&selectedIndex=4&ccid=Tk9%2b%2f3hB&simid=608043086413695852&thid=OIP.M4e4f7eff784181baf3b6dc128dc3d787H0&ajaxhist=0”></a><img

As Ms. Webster writes, “We can’t save our mothers. We can’t save our families. We can only save ourselves.” I must remind myself that I need not seek others understanding in order to heal myself. I understand myself and that is enough.

I admit that I miss my family. Only my husband of over 52 years remains. (That relationship would be also be gone, too, if we didn’t compromise.) Yes, we both miss the family gatherings.

In order to thrive, as a former counselor i know I need to make new relationships and friendships. I don’t. Though I feel betrayed, I realize that I betray myself. I feel the grief. Ms. Webster writes that it gets easier with time. Okay.

Like Abraham supposedly said, “You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive or get sick enough to help sick people get well. You can only uplift from a position of strength and clarity and alignment.”

Each of us are spiritual warriors. I live with the knowledge that my soul family will value me as I am. I trust myself and I trust that I am not alone.

I wait for the day that, as Ms. Webster writes, “both mothers and daughters feel permission to own their full power and potential, connected in the heart while being free, separate individuals. The daughter’s individuality won’t pose a threat to the mother, because she’ll have love and appreciation for her herself as much as for her daughter.” I heal the mother wound and I create a new world for myself and for others.

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Navigating “No-Contact”: When Estrangement from Your Mother is the Healthiest Choice

© Bethany Webster 2015

Source: Navigating “No-Contact”: When Estrangement from Your Mother is the Healthiest Choice

No Contact
I was planning to post my response when Navigating “No-Contact”: When Estrangement from Your Mother is the Healthiest Choice by © Bethany Webster 2015 (http://womboflight.com/2015/10/20/navigating-no-contact-when-estrangement-from-your-mother-is-the-healthiest-choice/) was first posted on October 20, 2015. Today is a good day.

My mother died in 2009. At that time she and I had been estranged for two years. Estrangement from my family wasn’t, as the Ms. Webster suggested, “the hardest thing” I ever did in my entire life. My mother’s actions actually determined the outcome. I thought at the time, “She should know me better than that [she wasn’t trusting my choices]. She raised me!” As she changed the locks on her doors, I told her and my step-dad that I loved them. I never returned.

Now, as I age, I wonder whether it was her age and what came with it that made her and me behave in the ways we did. She died two years after our estrangement, so I’ll never know. I prefer to exonerate myself with the author’s words, that my “mother’s dysfunctional behavior has demanded an enormous cost to your [my] mental/emotional well-being and you’re [I was] simply no longer willing to pay that cost.”

I am now an estranged mother. I didn’t realize that my eldest daughter felt I was toxic to her. I ended the formerly close relationship one Christmas when my daughter yelled at me and when my eldest granddaughter chose not to train my youngest granddaughter in the Christmas chores. Their choices.

I followed my current procedure of considering it was me who was in the wrong, so I apologized to my daughter. She accepted the apology, continued the estrangement, and refused to return an apology. (My thwarted expectation, I suppose.) Perhaps, we are all “deeply wounded.” I take responsibility for my behavior.

As Ms. Webster writes, the estrangements were a long time in the making.

I must keep in mind that this is not personal. I thought I had been dealing with my inner life and I was confronting my disowned pain. Guess not. I am reminded of don Miguel Ruizes four agreements: 1) Be Impeccable With Your Word, 2) Don’t Take Anything Personally, 3) Don’t Make Assumptions, and 4) Always Do Your Best. Maybe I need to work on them.

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As Ms. Webster writes, “We can’t save our mothers. We can’t save our families. We can only save ourselves.” I must remind myself that I need not seek others understanding in order to heal myself. I understand myself and that is enough.

I admit that I miss my family. Only my husband of over 52 years remains. That relationship would be also be gone if we didn’t compromise. Yes, we both miss the family gatherings.

As a former counselor, in order to thrive, I know I need to make new relationships and friendships. I don’t. Though I feel betrayed, I realize that I betray myself. I feel the grief. I am told that it gets easier with time.

Like Abraham supposedly said, “You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive or get sick enough to help sick people get well. You can only uplift from a position of strength and clarity and alignment.”

Each of us are spiritual warriors. I live with the knowledge that my soul family will value me as I am. I trust myself and I trust that I am not alone.

I wait for the day that, as Ms. Webster writes, “both mothers and daughters feel permission to own their full power and potential, connected in the heart while being free, separate individuals. The daughter’s individuality won’t pose a threat to the mother, because she’ll have love and appreciation for her herself as much as for her daughter.” I heal the mother wound and I create a new world for myself and for others.

Not Another Fundamentalist Ideology by Coz McSea © 2013

My old self-image clings
To the shrunken expectations
It has gotten used to thinking of
As essential to its identity (Roy Brezsny)

The new paradigm takes over my
Percepual filters.
I wake to the secret beauty
I’ve been ignoring.

No need for
My compassion and my vanity
battle each other within me.
I honor both.

I can’t always get
What I want.
And I know sometimes
I get what I need.

I am tolerant of my contradictions and hyprocisies.
I enjoy life as an entertaining movie.
In which I am the star.

I have the power to be good and to be real
At the same time.
Not usually an easy task.
I behave honestly, clearly, deeply, and compassionately.
I conduct myself with a high degree of authenticity.
While at the same time,
I bless all beings,
The astrolger Rob Brezsney told me so.

Bibliography
Brezsny, Rob. Rob Brezsny’s Astrology Newsletter. April 3, 2013. http://bit.ly/XalBW7

 

Image

My New Paradigm by Coz McSea © 2013

I am your secret ally.
I am a sly optimist,
A mystical scientist,
And a dissident boddhisattva.
I look for the best in people and
I soften my heart.
I accept others and myself
 As we are–Perfect.

I’ve given up
Equating cynicism with insight.
I expose myself to uplifting entertainment.
No, it won’t dull my intelligence.
I can handle relaxing breakthroughs.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” ~ Carlos Castañeda

Bibliography
Brezsny, Rob. Freewill Astrology. April 3, 2013. http://freewillastrology.com/

Deb in Klimt from Photofunia.com 2012

April 2, 3012

Truth Slips by Coz McSea © 2013

This morning
You nearly slipped the truth
When you said, “I lost my…”
You then stopped mid-sentence
Without adding “enthusiasm,”
And replaced it with,
“I’m feeling ill, so I can’t kiss you.”

I was on the computer playing games when you came home for lunch this morning. Yes, you let the truth slip when you said, “I lost my…” [enthusiasm for kissing you] and without missing a beat, replaced it with, “I’m feeling ill, so I can’t kiss you.”

At first I felt angry. Then, after I thought about it for a few moments, I realized that you lost your enthusiasm for me many years ago. Maybe that’s when I quit trying. Maybe that’s when I got fat. Maybe that’s when I quit wearing makeup. Maybe that’s when I let my gray hair grow out. Maybe that’s when I lost my enthusiasm.

With what are we left? Memories of love. Justifications. Pretensions.

I’m feeling sad right now. It’ll pass like a wave in the ocean. I know this.

Recently I’ve noticed that I lack an enthusiasm for behavior I used to enjoy. Am I feeling depressed. No. Not yet. Maybe I still haven’t let go.

Engaging Deeply

I have been reading a lot of controversy about Gay Marriage. It really seems to me to go beyond this issue.

A Helen Luke quote got me thinking, “The constant fear that a physical child may be born, rejected and unwanted in the moment of conception, adding perhaps an intolerable burned, may in fact destroy the creative meaning of the act on all levels but the physical,” and Amy Carpenter Leugs added, “The child we seek, the child we never want to prohibit, is not necessarily the flesh-and-blood conceived from sexual union, but the new life, lived fully within each individual , that arises from engaging deeply with another human being in all their wholeness” (Parabola: Winter 2012, p. 47). Sounds true to me.